dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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