I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
