That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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