you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
