I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
