Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
