I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
