batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Your penis caused this!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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