I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
