if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
