no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
