You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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