you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize