I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
