history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
