P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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