My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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