you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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