today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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