we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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