I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
