I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
