I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
