"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
