You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
