Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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