I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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