I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
