I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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