Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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