Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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