Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
