"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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