when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
