my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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