not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
