Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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