If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize