I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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