i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
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If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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