well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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