Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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