If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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