my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
