Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
