so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
