my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
