Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
