plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
