You smell like stripper and shame
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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