I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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