Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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