It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
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You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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