Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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