Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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